I could wax poetic about all the different somatic strategies for letting anger pass through you calmly, or perhaps write some words dedicated to focusing frustration and resentment into creative pursuits, but that is not my goal for today. I’m officially writing another shameless listicle, and this will be some of my favorite things to do with my aggressive energy when I’m just too pissed off to be productive with my anger flow.
1. Stab a potato.
It feels so good. Keep a bunch of big, organic sweet potatoes on hand somewhere in your pantry. They’re delicious, an awesome source of vitamin A, and can really take a beating when you feel like you need to attack something. Just stab it with a fork to keep it in place, and then impale it with a sharp knife over and over and over again until it’s covered in holes. Wrap it in foil, place it in the oven at 425°-450°, and about 50 minutes later when you’ve calmed yourself down, you can remove it with an oven mitt and enjoy a treat.
2. Throw out some trash.
Nobody will judge you if you’re grunting to pull the bag out of the can, and you can even lug it outside in a frustrated way. Whether it’s down a garbage chute, or into an outside garbage can, get your trash bag up and over with a little extra oomph while saying “Take THAT” tursly, feeling good about throwing. Out. That. Trash.
3. Sharpen a pencil, but with a knife.
Few things are more badass, and you can picture the faces of your enemies while preparing to write some angsty letters you’ll never send. This option is best done in the privacy and comfort of your own home.
4. Type up something obnoxiously loud.
Open your Google Docs or MS Word, start a new document, and go at it. Maybe you’re just typing your name over and over again, or actually forming coherent sentences about why you’re pissed, but either way every click of a finger on your keyboard is like a deadly death stab that everyone will hear whether they like it or not. Period.
5. Scrub some crap off an old saucepan.
Steel wool or a scrubby sponge, your seething anger, and 15 minutes to spare makes for pure catharsis.
6. Find a nice soft, fluffy pillow, and yell random phrases into it.
You could yell out what you’re thinking about somebody you’re mad at, OR you could see what it feels like to scream at the top of your lungs “Yabadaba-doo!!”, or “I’m Abraham Lincoln!!”. Once you inevitably start laughing, pretend it’s the maniacal musings of an evil genius.
7. Play The Simpsons arcade game.
Smash some buttons like crazy. The game is ridiculous and fun, especially if you enroll a friend to join you. Let it all out when inflating the head-shaped balloons in the bonus round, hitting the action button as fast as you can.
8. Push-ups with fists.
Want to punch somebody in the face? If you don’t want to get arrested, dropping and doing 20 with your hands in fists is the next best thing. Pretend punch the floor as many times as you can, reminding yourself of how much more intimidating you’ll look after scoping your guns.
9. Put some dirty clothes in a laundry bag.
Leave delicate items to the side, but show your jeans and cotton t-shirts no mercy as you stuff them one by one into the bottom of a noisy nylon bag, every high-pitched Zeeet fully expressing your rage. From there you can beat up the bag for a while.
10. Find any way to use a seasoning grinder a bunch.
My favorite is crunching up some Himalayan sea salt. Cut up some avocado and loudly as you can grind some damn salt over it. Slice up some watermelon, grind some damn salt on it. Whip up some eggs, grind salt. Who knows, you might even sneak up on your roommate eating lunch to give them some flavor. It’s the only appropriate form of a salt when you’re angry.
Hopefully after doing some of these tasks you’ll feel a lot better, like I usually do. If not, check out this article, or this article. What’s great is that if you went through this whole list, you’ve now cleaned up a bunch of things, exercised, made some yummy snacks, and found yourself spending time playing an arcade game. Screw whatever made you angry in the first place, you’re a beautiful, capable and relevant human being that deserves respect. So shine on, and go buy some more sweet potatoes!